RJ Convention
by Ba'alzamon
Summary: Funny parady about RJ holding a convention with all his characters trying to pitch ideas for book 12. Please read and review!


**WoT Convention**

Robert Jordan (the author of The Wheel of Time) is holding a meeting with ALL his characters before the release of book 12. When I say all, I mean **ALL**… just read…

RJ: (looks at watch) Ok people, its 7:00, the meeting has officially begun. I will take suggestions for what you want to happen in book 12.

Rand: Yeah I think I should have another lover…

RJ: We been over this, Rand, three is plenty.

Mat: Can I have the Shadar Logoth dagger back? Now that I'm married to Tuon I'm gonna be _boring_…

Padan Fain: Never! The dagger makes me complete! (Cuts himself and drinks the blood) Hehehehehe! Oh, the taint!

Machin Shin: Blood so sweet! (goes off into horrifyingly terrible descriptions of how to kill things)

RJ: No, Mat you can't have the dagger back, it's necessary to Fain's existence now, to take it away from him… well that's just plain cruel. You had your fun, now go be boring with the Seanchan lady.

(Mat groans)

Asmodean: Can we finally let the readers know who killed me?

Readers: (Eyes glitter with hope)

RJ: No, if they wanna know so badly then they can piece it together, there's enough information in the books to figure it out.

(Readers all sigh)

Graendal: Can I actually DO something? I'm so useless as of now!

Semirhage: She is pretty useless…

Graendal: Hey, up until the last book you did nothing either. I think you tortured like _one_ Aes Sedai and her Warder _once_ in all the books.

Semirhage: Well I was busy getting plot points elsewhere with the Seanchan, and at least I made an _attempt_ to kill al'Thor!

Graendal: You threw a tiny fireball! You're one of the Chosen-

Good Guys: Forsaken!

Bad Guys: Chosen!

Graendal: Whatever. Point is that it can barely be called an attempt. Why not use balefire or something?

RJ: Hey now, you _know_ I can't let any of you balefire my main character. You might be able to get away with balefiring one of the annoying women characters…

All Women: (sniff), (glare)

Moghedien: Speaking of doing something, can I like do something constructive again? I was around for like three books rapid fire, then I'm just gone.

RJ: I have plans for you later-

Moghedien: And why do I have to be Moridin's bitch?

Cyndane: Because you fail time and time again. I don't deserve this though, I was doing fine until Ms. Interfere With Plans showed up.

Moiraine: Like I had much of a choice…

RJ: Can we get past this? Let other people speak!

Narg The Trolloc: Raraflagerblor! Myrddraal want talk… Reeargooroflobin! Shrakaramorble!

RJ: …Ok now anyone who is capable of coherent thought and or speech?

Mazrim Taim: I think-

Lews Therin: Killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill!

Mazrim Taim: …

Lews Therin: …

Mazrim Taim: I-

Lews Therin: KILL! KillthemalltheyareevilomgForsakenkillkillkillkill! AHHHHHHH! (Overchannels)

(Mini mushroom cloud appears on Rand's head)

Mazrim Taim: You see? He ALWAYS does this! I never get a word in without him going crazy!

Rand: I'm gonna have to agree with my obviously evil associate on this one. Lews Therin doesn't leave me time to think my _own_ thoughts. He even tries to take control of my body and kill us.

Lews Therin: Why do I have a this madman in my head? (Cries) Oh Ilyena, I deserve death!

Sammael: When do I come back and show I'm not dead?

RJ: We've been over this, you ARE dead and you're NOT coming back.

Sammael: But… but then why did you make my death so uncertain and vague…?

RJ: You were swallowed by Mashadar… what's so vague about that?

Mashadar: Sorry about that, by the way. Script and all you see…

Machin Shin: When do I make another appearance? I've been so lonely since the third book…

RJ: Use of The Ways by main characters is kind of obsolete in light of Traveling… so probably never. Besides you're not scary anymore, you couldn't scare off a Trolloc… You lost your touch Mr. Black Wind.

Machin Shin: Lies and slander! (Turns to Narg) Kill, maim, murder, crack, slice the throats of them all. Drink their blood; their souls! Blood so sweet… anythin'?

Narg the Trolloc: (cocks head to side) Myrddraal want talk? Rarinblanorg?

Machin Shin: (Turns to the Shai'tan, who's in his little make-shift prison) Blood so sweet?

Shai'tan: DUDE, I'M THE FUCKIN' DARK ONE…

Machin Shin: Fine! I'm out of here, I don't need this! I hear Tolkien is looking for a Black Wind anyway!

(Machin Shin blows out of the room)

Shai'tan: (Turns to RJ) WOULD THOU BE NAE'BLIS?

RJ: No, you already have a Nae'blis; Moridin.

Shai'tan: (Leans in as close to RJ as his prison allows and attempts to whisper, even though his voice is amplified through the entire room) I THINK HE'S CRAZY…

RJ: Nonsense, he's the picture of sanity.

Moridin: (Scratching at his eyes and rolling on the floor) Saaaaaaa! Saaaaaaaaaaaaaa! SAAAAAAA! Oh God the Saa! KILL ME!

RJ: Ok fine he's lost it, but you're stuck with him.

Nynaeve: (tug) (sniff) (glare) (sniff) (glare) (tug) (tug)

RJ: …yes Nynaeve? You were gonna say something?

Nynaeve: (tug) (tug) (sniff)?

RJ: Ugh, nevermind.

Be'lal: Can I come back and steal Callandor?

RJ: You were killed with balefire, you're never coming back. You too, Rahvin.

(Be'lal and Rahvin sigh and Moiraine and Rand high 5 each other)

Green Man: (Who is now a giant tree by the way) Water me!

Moridin: KILL ME!

Sammael: Illian is mine!

RJ: Save that for Survivor: Nae'blis, Sammael. Let others not in that fic get some glory time here.

(Sammael crosses his arms stubbornly and pouts)

Seanchan: Can we collar the entire White Tower?

Shaidar Haran: I think I speak on behalf of all Myrddraal when I ask this: can we have eyes? And a little color in our pale skin wouldn't hurt… we're tired of scaring people! Children run screaming from us and all we want is some love!

(All other Myrddraal nod in agreement and pat each other on the back)

RJ: No to all of you! You people are so demanding!

Everyone: (Zombified tone) You created us… UHHHHHHH…

RJ: Be that as it may, I am the Creator here, and because of that I get to choose what will and will not happen! Now my main idea for the twelfth book is-

Padan Fain: Never over al'Thor! Never over!

Random Malkier: The Golden Crane!

Lan: (Stoic silence)

Perrin: AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(Everyone just stares at Perrin)

Perrin: …what?

Mat: You ok there, Perrin? You're baying at the moon again…

Hopper: _Run, Young Bull, run!_

Perrin: I will not be a puppet anymore! (Hurls his axe at the wall and bounds from the room on all fours)

Rand: Me neither! I will not dance on Aes Sedai strings anymore!

(Rand makes for the door… and is pulled back to his seat by strings attached to him by every Aes Sedai in the room)

Rand: I think I'll sit here and be manipulated a bit longer… Where is Min? I require a massage!

Min: (Wide eyed and rolling on the floor in the fetal position) Auras… so many auras!

Rand: Right then, Elayne?

Elayne: (Tilts chin up) I am Daughter-Heir! Daughter-Heir to the Lion Throne! Daughter-Heir of Andor!

Rand: …Aviendha?

Aviendha: (Xena scream) AY YA YA YA YA YA YA YA YAIIIIII!

Rand: Mor-

Moridin: Kill meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Rand: -neeeeeeeeeeeeevermind… Asmodean?

Asmodean: I've been your bitch far too long… have your NEW friend help you out! (pouts jealously)

Rand: Fine, I will. Taim would you do the honors?

Mazrim Taim: As the Lord Dragon Comm-

Lews Therin: KillkillkillhimkillkillevilkillkillkillDemandredkillkillkillkill ForsakenkillkillkillkillKILL! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Overchannels again)

(Second mini-mushroom cloud appears on Rand's head, accompanied by Dragonmount)

RJ: Sigh… what have I done to deserve this? This shit happens everytime I hold a meeting with you all about upcoming book ideas!

Gholam: When do I show up again? I was the best part of the series cuz I'm all anti-One Power!

Far Madding: So am I!

Gholam: So? You're a city. I'm a cool character. (Rips off the head of a lamb and drinks the blood)

(Machin Shin bursts through the door) Blood so sweet!

RJ: Everyone please- Rand what are you doing?

(Rand is standing on the table holding all of the _cuendillar_ seals on the Dark One's prison above his head)

Rand: Break it… break it… break it… break it… break it… BREAK IT!

(Rand slams the discs on the table and they all shatter)

(Padlock on the Dark One's prison clicks open and gusts of wind howl from within)

RJ: YOU FOOL! (Holds up his hands and shrieks)

Moridin: Salvation!

Shai'tan: FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! SHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Everyone screams as the Dark One fills the entire room and the room explodes. The Shadow spreads across the world enveloping it in darkness)

THE END

-Ba'alzamon


End file.
